Work

I guess I'm still really dealing with some jealousy issues and dealing with the unknown of the future. I saw a beautiful 12mos old girl today for her well child check, she looks similar to Annabelle, very smiley and walking all over the place. She's also got a TON of words for a one year old and even more signs.... sigh. I love my baby and I am thrilled with everything she has done so far 'cause it's honestly more than I really expected but I know she's going to be slow to walk and talk (although I think she'll get there!) and it's particularly hard for me some days when "normal" is all up in my face... I mean it's my job to look over a kiddo, most of which are thankfully typical, and watch them and pick out the not so "normal". 

A few months ago when I was working in the emergency dept. I seriously considered dropping from my residency (one lil year left to go and $170,000 in school loans and yep I was gonna do it). One reason was all the "normal" I was seeing would bother me and then seeing all the "not so normal" and the kids who were severely delayed would bother me too... I would wonder if that is our future- feeding tubes, wheel chairs, splints, recurrent visits to the hospital; or perhaps something a bit milder? It also bugged me that there was never a shortage of "shunt kids" in with headaches, or vomiting or fevers. With them I would also wonder if all of that would be in our futures (and it's looking like it more and more unfortunately).

It's the unknown that drives me nuts. I know all the possibilities for where we could end up, some more likely than others, and I HATE not knowing. I have an information overload, I know too much. I sometimes wish I had gone into radiology or pathology or something like that where I would not know all the details of the stuff I know....ugh! In the end I obviously didn't drop out, that would be financially irresponsible, and as of today I've got 6 more months before I'm done :-) I know I still need to work on being happy just with what we end up with development-wise, it's just hard to that sometimes.